2024 CFB Playoff Week One Recap
Notre Dame Vs. Indiana
In a spectacle of football folly, Indiana was steamrolled by Notre Dame, limping off the field with a sad 27-17 score. Coach Kurt Cignetti, the king of pregame lip service, must've thought pep talks magically turn players into superheroes. Nope! Indiana's offense moved slower than molasses in January, while their defense played like they were trying to catch butterflies with mittens on. Notre Dame, meanwhile, was having a field day, with their QB probably thinking he was in a practice scrimmage. Cignetti's bravado was about as useful as a screen door on a submarine, proving once again that in this game, talk was cheap, but laughter from the Notre Dame fans was priceless. Since Cignetti loves to tell people to google things, maybe IU fans should google Mel Tucker and read up on their possible future now that Cignetti had his big pay day.
Penn State Vs. SMU
Oh, what a glorious display of football prowess we witnessed when Penn State trounced SMU in the playoffs, ending with a score of 38-10. SMU's quarterback, in a masterstroke of strategy, thought it wise to gift Penn State not one, but two interceptions returned for touchdowns. Bravo! Because nothing says "we're here to compete" like handing your opponent free points. And let's give a slow clap for making James Franklin look like a coaching genius. If SMU's game plan was to make themselves look like amateurs, they executed it perfectly, proving just how bad they must be.
Texas Vs. Clemson
In the Clemson vs. Texas playoff game, the Tigers got schooled by the Longhorns, 38-24. Dabo Swinney, who was probably more thrilled about meeting Matthew McConaughey than actually coaching, watched his team get outplayed. Despite Cade Klubnik's valiant efforts, Clemson's defense was as effective as a screen door on a submarine against Texas' ground game. Meanwhile, Swinney's dream of meeting his Hollywood hero came true, but it might have been the only highlight of his day unless you count learning that "alright, alright, alright" doesn't translate to winning football games. Maybe next time, focus more on football, Dabo?
Ohio State Vs. Tennessee
In a playoff match that was supposed to be a nail-biter, Ohio State decided it was time to give Tennessee fans a reality check with a 42-17 "belt to ass" thrashing. Ryan Day, still reeling from that embarrassing loss to Michigan, where OSU was a 21-point favorite, must've used Tennessee as his personal punching bag. Tennessee fans, who had been spewing more trash talk than a landfill, suddenly went mute. Their pre-game boasts about SEC dominance must've echoed in their empty heads as Ohio State ran circles around them. Will Howard threw for 311 yards, making Tennessee's defense look like they forgot how to tackle. Jeremiah Smith caught two touchdown passes, proving that when Day isn't busy being out-coached by teams he underestimates, he can deliver a masterclass in humiliation. At least Tennessee fans don’t need to change their clothes after the game, bright orange can be used for hunting or picking up roadside trash. At least UT fans are used to waiting for next year.